I hope I dont sound too contradicting in my writing. I am in a very good happy place in my life, but I also think its important to know that its not always easy to wear the smile. And there are times where the pain hurts, and the divorce hurts. I dont fully understand what happened and Im not sure I ever will, and it seems when the other person makes the decision its over, you tend to bear a lot of that weight on your own shoulders. Why wasnt I good enough, was i not skinny enough, was i not pretty enough, was it because I dont love to cook and clean, like i said, i have self evaluated myself to tears, but I also know I have a lot of love to give, and I have Jesus in my heart, and I have a lot of good qualities, no Im not perfect, I would never pretend to be, but I am Me, and each day I grow a little stronger and a little better. I am not the same person i was a year ago.
I find my biggest struggles happen when the housework gets overwhelming, and there is so much to do and I feel like I'm all alone. Or nights when my little angels seem to have misplaced their halo's and turn into crazed monsters. Single parents have a tough job, i always knew that, but man, firsthand, its no joke. It took me a while to even think of myself as a single parent, a reality I certainly didnt want to believe. A lot falls on one person's shoulders. Sure you have parenting time, but its been an adjustment thats for sure. Josh doesnt have a place to take the kids, and so its impossible for him to take them overnight, he usually spends his time with the kids at our house, or they go and do something for the day and come back in the evening.
Its hard to not feel anger and resentment toward the other parent when things are tough and you are the one making dinner, cleaning up dinner, trying to get through 4 kids laundry who seem to wear 4 different outfits each day, plus your own laundry, and the umpteen towels we seem to go through as well. Making sure their homework is done, notebooks are signed, spelling words are studied, lunches are made, are the kids learning their sight words, can the older kids read, dont forget we have to get our reading logs done, and how are they doing in math. Bath time is always fun, deciding who goes first and who helps the littler kids or babies and Jacob and Justin refer to Joey and Madison. Thank goodness they get more and more self sufficient every day. Then aside from keeping them bathed, clean clothes, fed, and ready for school, you still have to parent them and teach them so that you raise a kid who is a valuable part of society, deal with their emotions of the divorce and explain to them if you could fix it you would. Help them to understand something that I as an adult struggle to understand. They had so many questions in the beginning, it was heartbreaking. Asking who their dad was going to be, why wouldnt I let him come back home, and it never seemed like they asked Josh, it was always me that had to answer those questions, me, the one who didnt want this divorce. I was the one wiping those tears while wiping mine, and explain that no matter what, Daddy and I loved them soooo much. Nothing would ever change that, no matter where we lived or how often we saw them. For a long time Madison just thought Josh was at work all the time. I think she's finally understanding it now, but it takes time. Justin takes on a major role as big brother. He always reminds me that there are 4 of them and only one of me. Sometimes he tries to help be the parent, and I have to remind him, he doesnt have to take on that responsibility. He's a kid, and he should just enjoy that time. He will have plenty of time in life to have to be responsible and worries of this adult world.
There's an emptiness that exists for sure, but my kids rarely leave time for me to have a pity party, which is a good thing. They keep me on my feet and they always seem to have the right words and the hugs when I need them most. I really think that God works through them. I believe God is so at work in my life, and its fun to see it when it hits me smack in the face.
It's also funny how when you have been through or are going through a heartbreak, things effect you differently than they did before that life event. I went through a phase where I could not watch any TV. I couldnt bear to see a break up on TV or the opposite and see a love story being played out, it was just too painful. I spent most of January, February, and March reading my Bible and reading devotions. I also couldn't listen to any music besides Christian music, and Im really grateful to that experience, because I realized how powerful that Genre of music really can be. I slowly started to watch American Idol, where I got to watch Colton Dixon show his love of worship songs and talk about his Faith and what it meant for him. It was so nice to see God at work, even on my favorite TV programs.
Slowly but surely I let myself watch more shows, especially since the DVR was threatening to erase shows I missed, I couldnt bare the thought of that. I remember watching shows and commercials for Christmas would come on and it would confuse me for a minute then I remembered I was a little behind. I am also a huge believer in signs, and things happen for a reason, however sometimes trying to figure out the reason can be quite perplexing. Sometimes its a battle of will, what I want it to mean and what it really means, you know Gods plan.
I've learned you cant battle God, He wins, and I can make it harder on myself, but if i just step back and let him lead me where I'm supposed to be, its much easier. Its still a struggle but I will tell you its been an enlightening journey. I would like to share a few experiences I've had over the past year, not all at once but as I continue to write on this blog.
First of all, Becky and I have been extremely close through this whole situation. Both of us going through a heartbreak, and having to look at our precious babies and stay strong for them. Oddly enough the boys who broke our hearts were brothers, who ended up living together. It almost felt weird, like they were over at aarons together doing their thing, and here we were at my house doing our thing with the kids. It seemed pretty messed up actually, but it is what it is. At times, it almost seemed so perfectly timed with them, but then no, they wouldnt plan this out, its just the way things were supposed to work out. And although our situations were slightly different, we both had a lot of pain. We leaned on each other, cried together, laughed together, and moved forward together. Texting each other deep into the night, even at 3 in the morning when neither of us were sleeping. We grew stronger together as well. Becky and I dont alway see eye to eye, but we both know that we come from a place of love for each other. She and Olivia have been a huge part of my life, and I love them both a lot. I love seeing the kids together, and the relationship that they have. I always wanted lots of cousins for my kids, and Olivia was the first cousin that lived close to us. To see them have this relationship is just awesome!!! People are put in your life for a reason. I can remember at times I would share bible verses with Becky that would help me when i was sad or angry. Becky and I were at different levels in our faith, but we both believe in God. I would encourage Becky to read the Bible and seek God's word, and while she didnt resist totally, she wasnt as quick to get there. I remember becky telling me that she had gone to the store on two different ocassions and she ended up holding the door open for two different elderly woman at two different place and different days. Both women thanked Becky and said that there would be a place for Becky in heaven. Then when Colton Dixon who was one of Becky's fave singers on idol started to sing worship songs and tweeting Bible verses, it was another way God was working in Becky's life. I used to tease her that God would hve to work a little harder to reach out to Becky, but that he knew how he would do it!!! :) He got her where it meant the most, music!!! Oh and her grandmother. What are the odds she would find a letter hand written from her grandmother about always keeping God in her heart!!! Man I love how God works.
Until I write again!!! LOL
