I Will Lay Down My Heart

The last post I made was about A New Year's Blessing.  It has a totally different tone for me today than it did when I originally posted it, but both times it was so powerful, be it in very different ways.  I originally posted this blog last year in January, at the beginning of one of the toughest emotional journey's I have ever been through. 

May God make your year a happy one!

Not by shielding you from all sorrow and pain,
But by strengthening you to bear it as it comes;

Not by making your path easy,
But by making you sturdy to travel any path;

Not by taking hardships from you,
But by taking fear from your heart;

Not by granting you unbroken sunshine,
But by keeping your face bright, even in the shadows;

Not by making your life always pleasant,
But by showing you when people and their causes need you most,

And by making you anxious to be there to help.

God’s love, peace, hope and joy to you for the year ahead.

Last year when I first read this, this poem encouraged me that I would be ok and I would get through this storm.  That by putting my trust in God, I would come out stronger.  Today I stand living proof of this poem I'm sure.  Nothing in life is a guarantee, especially tomorrow.  I have gone through this year, taking it one day at a time, learning that no one promises easy, but these experiences definitely make us better and stronger.  And I can tell you, its a completely new way to look at life.  And those of you who experience this first hand, know that difference.  Its easy to get caught up in ourselves and the worries, but when you step back and really process things, its a whole new way of life.  I know we have all experienced loss in some way or form.  Everyone's journey through life is different, but it all leads to a greater love than we could ever know here on Earth.  The love of our Heavenly Father and the life in eternity with Him is what matters. 

Im not sure how many people or who even reads this, but Im just sharing some thoughts, feelings, and emotions I have gone through over the year.  I have spent a lot of 2012 reflecting on things, and self-evaluating.  By now I think its safe to say most people know that Josh and I are separated and going through a divorce.  It hurts and is still hard to say and write those words.  It sort of forces it to be real when you have to write or say it, its total admission.  I absolutely abhor the "D" word.  Its more than a hatred.  I can't tell you how many forms i've looked at for way longer than i should when it asks you to check the box single, married, or divorced.   Ugh!  It almost feels shameful to check the box that says divorced.  Its sort of embarassing too.  Like it really can make you feel like such a failure.  Who knew that it would be such a challenge to get through, and people probably look at you like whats the hang up lady.  I also have a hard time using the word "ex".  Its all so negative, and thats one thing I am not, nor will I ever be.  I also dont like defining myself democrat or republican either.  I have my beliefs and morals that I feel are important to me, and I dont think I should be boxed into a category, but what does my opinon on that matter - lol!!!

On that note, however, I have had moments where I was bitter and angry, I still do, all part of the grieving process I know, but I refuse to let it take root in my heart.  I remember vividly attending two weddings this year and thinking to myself, what is the point of all this, these vows dont mean anything, because in 10 years people can just decide they are not happy and leave.  I couldnt help but feel the pain of the broken vows in my own life.  And its sad to see that so many people take these promises so lightly.   I was always saddened to hear people were getting divorced, but its a whole new sadness today, going through the process myself.   Some people say, "people change" or "you were so young" or "people fall out of love"......ugh i hate those statements by the way.  I dont know that I will ever fully understand what happened, or why it happened, but I choose to trust its for Good.   I also found myself feeling jealous of poeple who were happy in their marriage, and being a "family".  Its hard to be camping and see so many Dad's with their kids and then feeling like, man i have to do this all by myself, and I wish I had someone to help me, or whatever pity party I wanted to throw myself at any given moment.  But then I realized, there is also something liberating about being able to do things on my own, and being able to show my kids that life doesnt come easy or always go your way, but you just make the best of things, and never let it get the best of you.  And I hope and pray everyday that I can be a good example to my children.

I've also had to deal wiht the kids feeling like they are not a family anymore, which again is heartbreaking, but we have also learned how to redefine our family.  And although it may not be like everyone else's, it is ours.  And that makes it special.  Although sad to say, i think divorced families are becoming more normal than not. 

Divorce is not just sad for the people being divorced, its so much bigger than that.  It affects so many people.  Friends feel like they have to pick sides, parents feel like they have lost a child, parents worrying about their own child and if they are holding up through all of this,  kids having to share time with mom and dad and where they live and who is going to be there with them and when.  It hurts.    There are a few times I cant even admit im divorced, my hair dresser for instance doesnt know im going to be divorced, but I will say it does make for some awkward conversation when I see her - lol.   And now I feel like, ok, how do I let her know that we are divorced without number 1 crying, and number 2 being like, you were just here 6 weeks ago, what happened - lol.   That one I will have to still figure out!!!    You really learn a lot about friends and family, and I have an amazing support system, and they have been everything to me. 

Josh and I have been together for 17.5 years, and married for 10.5 years, more than half of my life.  This has been a heartbreaking but humbling experience.  Josh is a wonderful person, and father, and I will always have a spot for him in my heart.  My first love, everything, and as the father of my 4 beautiful children he will always be a part of  my life.   

I have spent this year growing my faith and reading my Bible.  Babtizing all 4 of my children and firmly taking a stand in their faith.  I have been attending several Bible studies and learning so much about God and being able to share that with my children.  I think I have become a better mother, and my children are my highest priority next to Heavenly Father.  I, as any mother would, wants to shield their children from any pain they may experience, and a tough lesson as a mother is that you just cant do it.  But, I will tell you, there is great pride in helping your children to look to God in tough times, and teaching them how to handle tough situations in a positive manner.   I can say that although there have been moments that have been extremely tough in this year, I can honestly say there have been soooo many more GREAT moments that I will never forget.  I can remember thinking that I hope one day i can look back and think that 2012 didnt exist, that it will be just one bad year in the grand scheme of this journey we call life, but in all actuality, this has been a very good year.  Im not trying to sugar coat what has happened becuase it is extremely painful and difficult, but I wont let this be what defines me, and I wont let it stop me from enjoying the life i still have to live ahead of me.  And i will be grateful for all of my blessings. 

Josh and I have been able to remain very civil and communicate very well, and I will always do that so that my kids never feel like they have to pick sides or choose between us.  Neither Josh nor I come from divorced parents, but I know many people have, and I always want to know what to do to make this as seamless as possible on the kids.  I dont want to mess things up, and I dont want to make light of divorce you know.  But I do know they will see Josh and I respect one another, work together to parent these kids, and make the best of a situation that isnt what either of us ever thought would happen.  Sometimes its hard to put on that happy face, but knowing its best for the kids, I will do it with a big smile.  I'm not sure why I felt the need to type this, but I did, so here it is.  I hope that it can be viewed free of judgement and just a small glimpse into the reality of a tough time in my life.